By Kat Goldman
My Advice On Dating Rock Stars
Take my advice. Never date a rock star. They can be so selfish!
When you wake up in the morning, a rock star will not even make you a coffee, even though he will already be sipping one himself:
“Oh! Did you want a coffee?” he will say, acting surprised.
In the morning, he will tell you: “It’s good to be on the road,” and then he will throw you and your baggage to the curb.
“Rock on! “ He will say, making the rock n’ roll sign with his knuckles and two fingers as you drive away, perplexed.
He will kick you out of his loft so fast you won’t even have a chance to eat breakfast, not even a bowl of muesli, and it will leave you famished. Rock stars can be so uncaring. They almost never make for good boyfriends.
Also, it’s true what they say: that their guitars are really just an extension of the male sex organ. Why else would they go on and on, “shredding it” in their guitar solos? The only reason they ever picked up their instrument in the first place was to get the girls! Anytime you want to have some meaningful kind of conversation with them, they will start to play the guitar solo from “Hotel California.”
And don’t be deceived by their good looks ! Just a ruse for bad behavior and an endless trail of promiscuity ! How will you ever know if the women they write about in their songs are truly “fictional?” You will forever be wondering if he is grabbing other women while he is on the road.
One time I got into the passenger seat, and a rock star yelled at me for slamming his car door too hard. (They can be so temperamental!) I began to wonder: how can you shut the car door softly, without making any noise, and still effectively close it? Not only that, you have to constantly stroke their egos and tell them they are great, or else rock stars will go ballistic and begin to throw things in the air like their cell phone chargers.
Also, rock stars have very short attention spans. They will completely ignore you unless you are wearing a cool, yellow, vintage dress. This will captivate them for a while, until some hotter woman walks through the door and suddenly you are chopped liver. In general, they only take notice of you for about fifteen minutes. Beyond that, their eyes begin to glaze over.
I’m telling you: never date a rock star. They’re the worst!